Friday, April 23, 2010
Someday I'll walk down the street and remember a song, a song you sang an age ago, a song that brings back memories of laughter, joy, maybe some tears. It will bring back thoughts of the fun we had lying together in the sand, the waves brushing up against our feet, the wet sand sticking to our legs, my hands running through your hair. I'll allow myself to remember the touch of your fingers on my skin, the way you let your index finger trace the contours of my face, the smell of your perfume. I'll allow myself to remember the way you walked away from me after telling that you loved me. The huge grin you had on your face, the finger you pressed against my lips, not allowing me to respond. You just wanted to tell me that you loved me, you didn't want me to say anything to you. You said that would come later, because you realized how I felt for you even before I knew it. I'll allow myself to remember our first fight. It was over something so trivial, you forgot my best friend's birthday. The two of you somehow ended up bonding over that. My two best friends getting along, that was such a momentous event, especially since you couldn't stand each others guts. I'll allow myself to remember that it was I who pushed you away. I locked up my emotions and feelings, kept them a secret from even myself. I didn't let you in. I couldn't let you in. I was afraid to let you in. I'll allow myself to remember the day you left me, never to come back. The look in your eyes, one of pain and bewilderment. You never understood why I could no longer be with you. I will allow myself to remember that you thought you were always too good for me, you deserved better, not a train-wreck like me. I was too broken, too damaged to be thrust upon you. How could I let you love me, when I couldn't find it in me to love myself? I'll allow myself to remember the last time I saw you. You were locked in a kiss with a pretty woman, at the cafe where we met for the first time. I'll allow myself to remember the stab of jealousy I felt when I saw the way you looked at her with such love in your eyes. I'll allow myself to remember that you once reserved such a look for me. I'll allow myself to remember a number of tiny details about you but I'll never ever allow myself to forget the day you hit me so hard across my face that I still bear a light scar on my left cheek. I'll never allow myself to forget that you were the cause of the thirteen stitches on my forehead and the deep cut across my back which healed badly because you didn't let me go to a doctor. I'll always remember never to let a man treat me the way you once did.